Saturday, August 29, 2009

Regrets, I've Had A Few

I was chatting with my friend P today on Facebook and she reminded me again of how grateful she is of the day I persuaded her to audition for a play. She says that moment really made an impact on her life and she's glad she didn't chicken out on the opportunity. After chatting with her it made me think about some of the missed opportunities in my past and what regrets I have.

Just this past week while my guests were staying with us, I mentioned to them one of the bigger regrets I have was not trying out for the Dance Troupe when I was in high school. We were looking through our old pictures in my year book and making fun of each other. M's husband A started looking at the clubs we joined and I was embarrassed to point out I was in the Culture Shack. I vividly remember that afternoon. I was too chicken to try out for the Dance Troupe so I wandered around the hallways until I ended up in the Chinese club. I had nothing against being a part of the Culture Shack, I was just peeved at myself for not having the courage to tryout. In those days I felt only the "in" crowd was good enough for such a cool club. But after the tryouts were done, I kicked myself even more when I found out many girls whom I never would have considered got in!

One other thing that still burns in my mind was when a close family friend of ours was living with us in Manila. She was attending the local college and still getting the hang of a new life in the Philippines. During the earlier months of us living in the same house, she came about as much more conservative than me. She got really upset at me one day when she saw I was chatting with a good male friend of mine in my bedroom. After my friend left, she came up to me very upset. She said since my parents are in the US, we are supposed to look after each other. She said having a guy in my bedroom is unacceptable.

Many months later, when she started seeing someone, she came up to me one day and asked me about sex. I was flabbergasted. I had no idea whether she was trying to catch me since I was seeing someone at that point too or whether she was just curious or what?! Not wanting to take my chances, I simply told her I did not want to die a virgin. She seemed satisfied with that answer and walked away.

A few months later, she told me she was getting married! Shocked at the complete unexpectedness of this news, I questioned her over and over again on why such a rush to get married. I knew they were having problems with their relationship, so I was bewildered how they thought getting married would be the solution. A few weeks after their wedding, their whole family came to visit me to tell me it was because she was pregnant. Although I was extremely upset at what our friendship had dwindled into, deep down inside I was kicking myself again for not giving her the "talk" when she came up to me that day to ask about sex. I was too caught up covering my own tracks that I didn't realize she was the one that needed help. After we sort of mended our friendship abit, she said the guy told her sex was a normal part of being in a relationship and that he would go crazy if they didn't do it.

What haunts me as well is that a few weeks after she moved out of our apartment and returned the cell phone which I lent to her, I was clearing out the inbox and saw a text message the guy had sent her. It said he was willing to accept it if she really wanted to move back to Taiwan. He said if that is what she really wanted to do that he wouldn't stop her. The text message was dated a few weeks before she told me she was getting married.

I know these 2 stories don't seem big enough to be the ones that should still be haunting me to this day. There have been bigger dramas in my life laden with tons of regrets, but these 2 instances gets to me still because they could have been so easily avoided. If only there was someone I could have confided to about trying out for the Dance Troupe, I might not have chickened out. If only I wasn't so guilty, that friend of mine would have led a completely different life. I know for sure finding the courage to try out for something that scares me to death would have helped my lack of self confidence when I was in high school. I know for sure speaking up that day to my friend would have maintained our close friendship to this day. She was like the younger sister I never had. I have no idea though what her life would have been like if she did move back to Taiwan. At least for now she is still married and just had her 3rd child this year.

I hope when Boy Wonder and Nachos grow up, they'll be able to avoid as many missed opportunities as possible. I'm glad I was able to help P out when she needed that push. I hope Boy Wonder and Nachos will be as fortunate too in the future.

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