Tuesday, July 10, 2007

No Regrets

I just watched an episode of Grey's Anatomy wherein George's father dies. His whole family stood next to him as they pulled the plug and watched as he flat lined. I couldn't help picturing my grandmother on the bed when she died. I wasn't there when she passed away on the hospital bed after suffering from a stroke. All I have in my mind are images of what the room may have looked like. I picture my mom there with tears rolling down her cheeks. I always see those tears roll down her cheek whenever we visit Puo-puo at the cemetery. I can't even begin the imagine the pain my mom feels whenever she realizes her own mother had died. And it makes me ask myself how will I be able to deal with it the day my mom or dad passes away.

In a way I'm grateful my mom told me not to go to the States when my grandmother was hospitalized and things didn't look too good. She told me to stay in Manila and keep my dad company. I am grateful because unlike my brothers, I didn't see her suffering on the hospital bed. And my last images of her are not when she died. I am grateful because the last memories I have of my grandmother was the last time I saw her. She was alive and well. And was bugging me about when I was getting married.

But I do remember those few days as all the drama was unfolding. I kept telling myself I shouldn't go to the States because my grandmother will probably just get better by the time I get there and waste a trip. But she didn't. I remember reading a short email from my brother that Puo-puo had died. It was so weird. I didn't know how to register it into my mind. I didn't cry. I just sat there at my office table and stared at the email. When I got home that night, I couldn't sleep in my own bed. I slept next to my dad and he understood how I felt even though I didn't.

Up to this day I haven't had a good cry because Puo-puo is no longer with us. I just feel alot of regret. Her biggest wish was to see me get married and hold great grand-children. She missed it by one year. Every time I go back to the States, we always make sure to visit my grandmother's grave site. My mom and dad always comments on how she would have loved seeing Boy Wonder and Nachos. And I'm sure she does somewhere up there.

I guess it's really about regrets when someone passes away. The very first blog entry I made was in honor of Mr. Sun. Our family were friends with his family since my younger brother was in my mom's tummy and his youngest son was in Mrs. Sun's tummy. I remember requesting a how to stop smoking brochure through the mail when I was in elementary school and showing it to Mr. Sun to persuade him to stop smoking. He still commented on that the last time I saw him. He was dying of lung cancer. Hubby and I received a call from his son a few months later while vacationing in Australia that his father had died. We were just leaving a restaurant to walk along the beach. Good thing we did because I couldn't stop crying. I felt I should have tried harder in making him quit smoking.

I don't know how I'll deal with it the day my mom or dad passes away. I can't imagine how I can because there are still so many things I haven't told my parents yet. After my grandmother passed away I kept telling myself I should tell my parents how much I love them because you'll never know when it might be your last chance. I have no problems expressing how I feel to my mom, but I find it hard to tell my dad. Every time I'm with my dad, I want to say by the way, I just wanted you to know you're the greatest Baba in the world and I love you. Then I would give him a hug. But every time the thought crosses my mind, something else comes up or the moment slips by.

I don't want to have any regrets in the future. So Baba, if you're reading this I just want you to know how much I love you and that you're the greatest. I'm sorry I'm taking the easy way by typing it, but I just want to warn you now so you don't think I've lost the plot when I suddenly give you a big hug and tell you how much I love you the next time we meet. Because you really are the greatest. I know I don't show it much, but I love you Ba.

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