Sunday, March 19, 2006

I Surrender

It was the second time I watched Sense and Sensibility and this time I cried when Mr. Farres finally proposed his love to Eleanor. When I watched it the first time, I was no where as emotional as I was tonight. Come to think of it, I NEVER cried at any movie or tv show before I had Boy Wonder. It's strange how I've become such an emotional wreck since the little man was born. I now cry at almost anything, even commercials.

For as long as I could remember, I've always done my best to hide my emotions. When something sad was on TV, I'd fight so hard not to shed tears. When I met someone difficult, I did my best to swallow my anger and find ways to appease them. When I hurt myself as a little kid, hiding the pain and blood was more important than letting my mom soothe it. I don't know if it was because of pride or just plain stubburness, but I've shed all that now.

I think it's because in exchange for the abandon of showing my emotions, I've gained the strength to show all that's opposite to the weaknesses my emotions stand for. For when I was hiding my pain, it was because I had no resiliance to bare it. For when I was hiding my tears, it was because I had no pride to fight it. And when I did all to simply appease, it was because I had no confidence to get angry. Its strange how it took me this long to realise I simply hid because I didn't have the strength and self-condifence to be me. To not be ashamed of how I feel and not care what others would think about the who, why and when's of where my emotions stem from.

And one huge thing I realize changed me, was perfectly described by Quinn Cummings in her blog. She wrote: "As I stared down at this little sleeping person, I felt every defense I had ever constructed around myself crack and fall away like so much lobster shell." That's the way I feel. All the defenses I had put up through the years, all came tumbling down the day I realized the wonders of Boy Wonder. I finally learned to cry because I lost my best friend, I cried because my grandmother would not see her great grandson, I cried because all my pants no longer fit and then I cried some more because someone ate my M&M's.

But then I also learned to put my foot down because someone hurt my feelings. I learned to put my hand up when someone gave me too much bull. I learned to unfluff the fluff when too much was headed my way. And I learned NOT to do things because I had to, and only when I WANT to.

It's amazing how much strength and courage is needed to surrender. To be trully able to express such vulnerability, you've got to have the strength and balls in other areas first. No wonder alot of men can't cry. Haha!


ragamuffin girl said...

It's the sweetest kind of surrender, don't you think? Your outer walls crumbling down is prrof of how fortified you are deep inside. I am honored to know you, gutsy lady. You are honest and candid without being tactless, refreshing without being "presko", and you are able to balance between opining and being obtrusive.

Bandit said...

aaaw Dawn, you almost made me cry.

hubby said...

what's "presko"? is it a type of savoury snack?