Thursday, February 02, 2006

Excess Baggage

I know I'm going to sound defensive, but the situation is already shitty anyways, so whining abit more will not make much difference. I would like to justify why I did not visit her.

There really was no need to dwell upon my inaction at first, but after quite a few friends asked me whether I did it started to bug me. So for my own sake, I feel that typing it down would solidify my reasons and most important of all reassure myself not to dwell upon it anymore.

Other than the obligatory birthday and Christmas greetings, I have never heard from her. When I had my baby, she came over to visit which touched me deeply. I thought it was the road to recovery for our friendship but it all came crashing down when she started pointing fingers at someone which brought us back to why things went bad in the first place. Why visit me if you're going to accuse someone I love and rehash the whole thing all over again? I told her before that we should just go on our seperate ways and agree to disagree. I don't think she got that.

So anyways, for the past few years we have not done anything that would identify us as friends. We've digressed to acquaintances. And if I were to illustrate our so called friendship in a moving picture, it would go something like this...

Hubby and I are taking the midlevels escalators upwards. Hubby suddenly points to someone behind me. I look back and there she is walking towards us. I stand there not sure what to do when she walks straight past me, literally 1 inch away from me as we were both on the escalators. Before I could say anything or even react, she has walked away and taken the next set of escalators up.

And the funny thing about this analogy is that it actually happened! But since I can say I know her well enough, she probably didn't see me. Wow, I think that statement totally hits home in regards to us.

So anyways, I didn't visit her because there's no point pretending. I don't want to feel obligated to visit her and I don't want her to feel the same. Doing so would only create this subliminal score card on who's done what this time round and what will the other person do next. Why pretend we're friends still when we aren't? What's the point?

And besides all my points above, I don't want to visit her because it still hurts to see her. I'm not ashamed or embarassed to admit it because that is how I feel. Not only am I still hurting but I'm also dissappointed. I thought a friendship that had lasted for more than 10 years could have had some advantages when the going got tough. It really hurt when I found out it meant nothing because she was married now.

And that's why I didn't visit her during an occasion when friends usually would be obligated to do so. But come on, I wasn't that heartless ya know? I did call her when I heard she was hospitalized the day before this blessed event occured. I showed concern because I trully was. Now isn't that what really counts? (ding! ding! ding! that's one more point on that subliminal scorecard)

So damn me, I have dwelled upon this tired tired issue again! But it sure feels good everytime I find an excuse to unload some of it.

1 comment:

Chris said...

You know... you can make a lot of effort to keep a friendship alive.

There are some friendships that have the dormancy gene, they can lay untouched and unconnected for a long while but upon the first reconnection they spring back to life as strong as ever.

Other friendships never had the roots, even if the leaves and branches were robust. Those are the ones that, despite attempts to water and prune, will wither eventually. Que sera, sera. It is not worth the mental anguish to beat yourself up over it.