Friday, January 13, 2006

I Can See Clearly Now, Sort Of

I miss my friend. One of my fondest memories were of us sitting on the boot of my parents' car singing songs all afternoon. And on Sundays, we would walk to hear mass together at the village church a few minutes away. We talked about all sorts of stuff, there was nothing we couldn't say to each other. There were the few arguments, but we always found a way to mend things and move on. I considered her my sister, that is why its so hard to let go and to forgive.

Its been at least 4 years since all hell broke loose between us. We've agreed to disagree because when husbands are involved, there is no way of resolving things fully. At least our battles have shown how fiercely loyal we are to our husbands. And only time will tell whom among us was the fool for being so blind.I've gone through all the stages of loss. I've cried, gotten angry, denied it ever happened, but am only starting to touch upon acceptance. How do you accept the loss of such a close friend when she is still alive and well, but just doesn't need you in her life anymore?

I really miss you friend. You were that one person I told everyone I could trust and depend on fully. I knew you would always be there when I needed you. And most of all, I knew you would defend me and stand on my side. You were that fiercely loyal friend every gal should have.I still think of her often. It hurts to know she's moved on while I'm still licking my wounds. Its been so long! What's wrong with me.

Just awhile ago while I was cooking tonights dinner, it dawned on me... darn it, she didn't move on to spite me or anything, she just did. She can't help it if I just don't mean that much to her anymore. She's got a new baby, a husband and a great career. Its nothing personal. Well, it was personal of course, but you know what I mean. Our lives reached that fork in the road and we each took a different route. She's got her own circle of friends now, and so have I. I really felt like I died when I lost her true friendship, but I'm still here and I sure am tougher because of it. I'm glad I'm starting to see abit clearler each day. Its taken me years but I'm getting there

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